Today, I am answering a question from a reader that many parents face. Your child behaves great at school, but when at home, they turn into a different child. Do you struggle with this? Here’s Lori’s question:
I have three children, ages 11, 8 and 6. The middle child, a boy, is about to drive me crazy with his defiance and complete lack of respect (which is rubbing off onto the siblings now). He is well behaved at school and makes good grades. However, he turns into a little Tasmanian devil the minute he walks in the door. I’m at my wits end and need help to tame this child. How do I get him to be respectful and cooperative at home like he is at school? I’m about willing to do anything at this point. HELP!!
Lori, in PA
Lori, there is a lot of good news in your question.
- Your son knows how to be respectful and cooperative
- Your other two children are already listening well at home
- Your son has a great deal of energy
- You are willing to try a new system
I have four suggestions for you.
- Let him go a little crazy after school!
Eight-year-olds often have a lot of energy that has no good outlet in a 3rd grade classroom. Likely a large part of his difficulty is due to how hard he’s trying to behave well at school. That “Tasmanian devil” that you describe when he gets home is completely understandable. Don’t fight it! Give him space to run, jump, wrestle (if a sibling is willing), and play hard for at least half an hour. Then feed him. THEN you can ask him to focus on homework and chores and being a great listener.
- Ask him for concerns and suggestions.
Your son has probably noticed that you don’t appreciate his behavior at home. You’ve already tried some things to improve it, after all. So ask him first what is bothering him. Ask about feelings, difficulties, observations. Then ask follow up questions.
- Is it easier to listen to the grown-ups at school or at home? Why?
- What feelings make it easier to cooperate? Which ones make it harder?
- What makes you want to be respectful?
Then ask him what ideas he has for improving your relationship and his behavior. Ask what benefits there are to a family that speaks kindly. Lastly, ask what the consequences should be if someone is disrespectful. He may not have any suggestions. However, asking him (without anger) about his opinions shows your respect for him, and builds his resilience by including him in the process of finding a solution.
- Separate respect rules from other rules.
When I ask one of my kids to do something and he talks back, he gets in trouble. The problem is, it can be confusing for him – and really frustrating for me! – to decipher what punishment is because he didn’t clear off the table and what is because he mouthed off about it. However much I want the table cleaned off, the bigger point I want to make is that he may not speak disrespectfully. So I need to make a clear separation.
- Try not to take it personally.
Identify the smaller consequence for not doing what he was asked to do. Then make a bigger point, and consequence, for the argument. Go back to the consequences you discussed, and enforce them. It is hard to be consistent without being angry, but it will make your point much faster. It is possible to have empathy for his feelings while still requiring respect.
Parents, what has worked for you when your child listens well at school but doesn’t want to do the same at home?
Do you have any important parenting related questions? Type your question into the box on AskDoctorG.com. Also, be sure to follow me on Twitter, Facebook and subscribe to my YouTube channel where I address parenting challenges from teen dating to manners.
I am so happy I found this website. This situation describes my family, too. I have an 11 year old daughter who is well-behaved and a 10 year old son who does very well in school, but we have lots of issues with his behavior at home. He is very defiant and things have gotten worse over the past months. He recently turned 10 and is in 4th grade. His teacher is very involved and sends home weekly reports = he is getting top scores in all areas of academics and behavior.
At home, however, he is disrespectful to my husband and me. He hits me and calls me names (unfortuantely he learned all the bad 4 letter words at school over the past few years) whenever he gets mad about anything – it could be because he doesn’t want to take a shower, because he doesn’t want to go to bed, because he doesn’t want to do a chore (like put away his clean laundry or pick up some toys he left in the living room) – usually it is for what I think of as a minor and normal request. He seems especially violent when we ask him to stop using electronics (he loves minecraft) so we have completely cut out electronics for the time being. He does not own his own electronics and we have passwords on our family computer, ipad and even our tv now, also on our cell phones. He is growing and is 92 pounds and 5 feet tall, I can no longer make him go to his room. When he is throwing one of his tantrums, there is no way to get through to him. I do my best to stay calm and have worked hard to no longer yell at him, but it has not seemed to make a difference yet.
He does not have any sensory issues. We had him evaluated and he does not have ADHD, but the doctor said he is a bit high on the anxiety scale, however it does not warrant medication. We were in counseling for 2 years and it did help somewhat because he used to have tantrums daily. Now they are about 3 times per week.
I am so scared and so upset about our situation. I love my son dearly but I feel like my family is being ruined by his behavior and I no longer know what to do. He is in his room right now, but his light is on and I know he is reading or playing. It is way past his bedtime. He refuses to go to bed when I tell him to and for now I am letting it go because he is in his room and is quiet. He had a huge meltdown when we got home tonight from attending a special event at his school – he was disappointed because he did not win the raffle prize. There was only one prize and probably 100 entries. We had tried to prepare him beforehand that the odds of winning were slim but he was still so disappointed and took his anger out on us, as soon as we walked in the door to our house.
I have tried your item 1 in the list above and have been playing ball outside with him every day after school. He is very competitve and hates to lose (that can easily cause a tantrum) but I am not athletic and he truly beats me in all sports. However, even spending that quality one on one time with him does not seem to help. We played basketball for an hour after school today and he was in a good mood, then he still was so upset about the raffle tonight that he took it out on me.
I will work on 2 and 3. Item 4 is very hard for me. I am working on not taking things personally. but sometimes I do break down and cry in front of my son because he treats me so badly that it breaks my heart. I have never been called some of the horrible names he calls me by anyone ever. It feels abusive and I do not understand how he can behave this way. I have always tried to provide such a loving, supportive environment and I know I am doing something right because my daughter is a sweet and kind girl. who does not behave like my son in any way.
I’m sorry for this long rambling post. I do not know where to turn and have been googling all kinds of things, trying to understnad my son better and figure out the best way to handle it.
Beth, I’m glad you found this too. It sounds to me like you are trying all the right things, and it’s time to get some more professional help. Kids, in my professional experience, behave this way when they need real help. Meaning they don’t want to alienate their family and hurt them, but can’t figure out how to stop. So you can have empathy for your son, stop feeling guilty at all and go get him the counseling and help he needs. This is harder than it should be, but don’t give up. You can find the right folks – no parent can solve this alone.